David Jones: LAWYER, WRITER, LOVER
Obviously spoilers for the TV show and for the upcoming NFL season abound. Proceed with caution.
Both are pirates who sailed under the permission of a sovereignty and until reading this, you had forgotten both of them existed. Interesting side note, Tampa kind of smells like an onion.
Remember when they were fearsome underdogs who took the Throne by sheer determination and force of will before becoming impotent, belligerent drunkards? Yeah, neither does anyone else.
Jets – King Robert
Bucs – Davos Seaworth
Big, dumb, and highly decorated with a reputation for savagery but really just win by exploiting the stupid mistakes of opponents, most notably Oberyn Martell.
Giants - Gregor Clegane
Bills – Sansa Stark
The legs usually come apart in game one. Arian Foster, mirite?
Chiefs – Danaerys Targaryan
A preseason darling every year, and a sexy , overrated pick but also kind of a dandy. Spends the whole year trying unsuccessfully to stick it to Renly.
Cardinals - Melisandre
Broncos – Renly Baratheon
Consistently fearsome and dominant throughout a history marked by brutal effectiveness, legendary prowess, and rape . . . lots and lots of rape.
Packers – White Walkers
Seahawks - Robb Stark
One of them is a woefully incompetent troglodyte who rules only because of his family’s station and the baffling support of smarter people around him and who levies out ham-fisted punishments without regard to logic or consistency. The other one is a fictional character created by George RR Martin.
Titans – Hodor
Falcons – Theon Greyjoy
Has an strange connection to Melisandre. Squeaks by against inferior opponents, but never really can compete against the contenders. At no point are we ever deceived into thinking they will ever compete for the Throne.
Rams - Stannis Baratheon
Often a ferocious and able opponent, they are sometimes mistaken for men.
You have to begin to feel sorry the endless years of savage beatings, mostly at the hands of Tywin’s family.
Dolphins - Balon Greyjoy
They've wandered aimlessly in the wilderness for years without actually accomplishing anything or going anywhere. But at least their outfits are pretty.
Ravens - Samwell Tarly
So close to the Throne, but just can’t seem to get the last of the way there. Will eventually be slain by the shadow monster that is Playoff Peyton Manning.
Steelers – Dothraki
Colts - Jon Snow
Roger Goodell - King Joffrey
They fly the Sign of the Bear and live where it’s really, really cold. The White Walkers kick the crap out of them semi-annually.
Bears - Commander Mormont
A collection of criminals made to look like an organized squad. They have never beaten anyone who fought back.
Vikings – Brave Companions
Eagles – Lysa Arryn
Bengals - Jaime Lannister
Chargers – Loras Tyrell
Clad in red, they're a little scary, and let Stannis give them the business whenever he wants to. They won’t compete for the Throne ever, but are known to occasionally murder a contender.
Will probably attain greatness at some point, and some part of us all could actually root for them if only they weren’t such bastards.
Patriots - Tywin Lannister
Aren’t we all a little surprised when we see them pop up on the screen every couple of months to remind us they’re still alive?
Jaguars – Rickon Stark
Indistinguishable from their twin in every way except being a little less ladylike.
A sorry, old dynasty that everyone laughs at and no one wants to visit. The only way they win is by cheating.
Raiders - Freys
49ers – Brienne of Tarth
They’re not right in the head and can be terrifying, in a psychotic way, within the safety of their home, but are also no danger whatsoever to the Throne or anyone else outside of their walls for that matter.
Panthers – Arya Stark
Eddard Stark’s little girl, you can dress her up and give her an expensive weapon, and she might hurt you if she sneaks up on you, but at the end of the day, she’s still a little girl.
Born of water and haven’t scared anyone in decades. “What is Dead May Never Die” is also the Dolphins' motto after about week 5.
Framed and executed by the incompetent and megalomaniacal King Joffrey several seasons ago, this once proud house is in complete disarray and no longer any threat to the Throne.
Saints – Eddard Stark
Cowboys - Oberyn Martell
Hailing from a frozen, blighted hell too miserable for humans to survive, they're thousands of years old, everyone’s afraid of them, and they have no culture that anyone can discern. Also kick the snot out of Mormont every chance they get.
Young and brash but surprisingly competent and capable on the field. Prone to costly, boneheaded blunders, most notably against Tywin.
Browns - Cersei Lannister
They consider it a good year if they’re not burned and horribly disfigured by their brother, Gregor.
Redskins - Sandor Clegane
Recently ended a long and humiliating captivity by Eddard Stark, but don't seem to be any better off. They become more and more useless and pathetic with each passing year.
Texans - Bran Stark
About as scary as a dismembered swordsman, they think fondly back to that one time when they were almost heroes but now just have to settle for giving the business to their twin sister once or twice a year.
Undersized and the victims of a never ending string of bad luck and, on some level, we’re all kind of rooting for them to stop being kicked around every single season. Neither is particularly deserving of the symbol of a lion.
Lions -Tyrion Lasnnister
These guys are alive at the end of every season and no one has any idea how. Good at nothing identifiable, they still manage to slip into the postseason somehow.
Heralding from the land of dry heat, they are known for being fearsome opponents but also always seem to inexplicably snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in some dickish display of hubris, particularly against Gregor Clegane.
Rich and influential with a history of success on the field. Probably beginning to regret propping up their inept and deranged puppet king, Joffrey, who has broken free of his leash, bitten Tywin’s hand, and cast the entire realm into ruin.